closure to the chaotic year, some peace and calmness in return

2018 started off in Europe.  I visited Paris, Brussels and London by myself in the course of two weeks. I had a good conversation with all three cities. 


I talked about my grandma, who had just passed away three months before my travel. I talked about my brother getting married, that confused me a lot. I talked about my dad, I missed him a lot but feared losing the memories I had of him. I talked about my mom, worrying if she was lonely while I was gone. 
I talked about graduating university, working and my next steps.
Was I leading myself the right way? 

This trip didn't give me answers but it sure did comfort me and allowed me to say goodbye to my youth. I mean I'm still young for sure, but entering this certain sense of adulthood hit me hard during these two weeks.

After coming back though, was time for crazy, noisy and beautiful India. 
(+Nepal +SriLanka)

Spending one month here was absolutely life changing. 
6 things I learned in India.

1. The environment is SO important.
-> I've seen the most beautiful and worst sceneries in my life in India. Take care of the environment, preserve its beauty. Don't use plastic!
2. Clean toilets, warm water, cell phones can never be taken for granted. 
3. Each state in India is incredibly different.
4. Religion is beautiful -> it teaches you take care of your body and mind.
5. India is _______ (enormous, historical, powerful, amazing) 
-> Point being, indescribable.
6. It's okay, slow down. 
-> We spend so much money and energy carrying about the smallest things. It's okay, life moves on and you can slow down a little. 

As I came back, March 29th, my baby nephew was born and he was absolutely beautiful. 

 In April, I joined Google. 
The sky I saw everyday as I left work. 

Then we moved houses.

Saying goodbye to the house my dad bought us was extremely difficult. But there was no other way, and also I guess 10 years was a good time period for us to start looking forward instead of clinging on to our past memories. 

<- this was my mom's and my favorite place, the rooftop. Every time we would cry or fight, we would come up here and just quietly stare at Tamagawa.  

In Summer time, I broke up with my boyfriend I had been dating for about 3 years. It was difficult to say the least, but I'm forever grateful for him. He taught me so many things, that life is an entertainment, that life is too short, how to love, how to be loved and how to be kind. If he had not been there for me through these three years, I don't know where I would be right now. 


In October, I travelled for the first time, since starting work.
This time , to Germany where my dad grew up.

<-The neighborhood my dad grew up in.

My family used to be where I belonged, now there's somewhat of a shape felt but no longer rigid. 
Life, it can be so short, it can be fragile, it can be so meaningless, it can be so cruel, it can be misleading. 
but I need to control it, in order to go wherever I want.
(from a diary section written while in Germany)

After coming back from December. I focused a lot on work. 
I realized how little I knew. I felt so much and thought so much, but never based on any logical facts. 
I started having the urge to learn here.


The last few days of 2018 were spent in Shanghai, China. 

Life is taking an interesting course. So much freedom, so much capability, it's weird to think that there was always a limit in everything I did. Graduation, job hunting, working at TD, all of it had a certain limit, a certain ending. Through that, somehow I felt like the end of my life was apparent as well. Now, it's different. It ends whenever I want it to. Until I say stop, my work, my friends, my family, my life, my dreams, it'll all keep going, it'll keep passing by, time will flow without hesitation. The days will grow mundane before I even know it. It's such a scary feeling isn't it,,,to not have an ultimate goal. Cause the only reflection you have is just a pile of small scenes and moments. and when you look back, you think to yourself, was it the right decision, was it the right timing, were the right words chosen, were you a good person?All of these checklists, ultimately defines who you are and your life. 
I hope to keep worrying about this, always doubt, always think, always feel, always love and always be lost.